April 16th, 2009 by Towlie

Saw this post on cracked.com and just couldn’t resist a repost of it you can find the original story at Cracked.com

The CB2 was back in the news this week, a year or so after he first made headlines for looking like an infant crossed with a colostomy bag. Clicking through the news, I was glad to see that he hadn’t made any further progress in not looking terrifying, and none of the scientists working on him appeared to have any skin missing. Everything must be completely safe, right?

“Not necessarily,” I replied to my own rhetorical question. Even though hack comedy writers have obsessed over Japanese nuttiness for years, one thing that doesn’t get a lot of attention is their fascination with robots. Unlike western audiences, who have learned to fear robots thanks to fictional works like The Terminator and Blade Runner, the Japanese have Astro Boy and their own tormented dreams to thank for a mental image of robots that looks like helpful fleshy teddy bears. Consequently, while the rest of the world was meeting girls and experimenting with drugs, Japan has spent the past 30 years working to bring robots into the world, as if the whole nation was some sort of hideous metal vagina.

And on that note, let’s get to the comedy! Here’s 20 Japanese Robots (plus some accessories) that, for various reasons, I suspect to be intent on murdering you and everything you hold dear.
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Sure it’s only six inches tall right now, and leashed to a computer, but can you honestly tell me, with fists shaped like that, that this thing is meant for anything other than being sent into the past to kill me for trying to warn the world about it?
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This is a special type of robot that can skitter about like an insect and terrify cats. Oh, it can jump too.

That’s right, Japan has made a fucking robot head-crab.
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This industrial robot is capable of determining if an object placed upon its sensor is a wheel. “Beep,” it says cheerfully during the demonstration. The audience applauds. “I’ve got them right where I want them,” it thinks to itself.
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Japan’s got lots of robot competitions. Remember those robot wars shows that were really popular with guys like you a few years back? Well in Japan they’ve got the same thing, except without any stupid wedge cars, and the robots are bipedal and playing more complicated sports like soccer or competitive diving. Here’s the winner of one of these competitions, with his winning robot slung over one shoulder, and his prize, which appears to be a bag of fertilizer. What use could fertilizer be for a robot? Oh, that’s right, terror.
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According to the press release accompanying this photo, this fully articulated snake-bot is notable for the fact that it can move both on land and in water and wants desperately to understand the human concept of “hugs.”
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Here’s a different version of the snake-bot, beside what is presumably its primary fuel source.
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Assuming this man is riding in this robot, and not being consumed by it, which is admittedly wishful thinking on my part, this appears to be some sort of commuting device/mobilized robotic armor. Not quite Macross, but I guess we’re getting there.
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Here’s the “supermodel” robot that made the news recently. It’s not very attractive, so I’m guessing the big appeal is it can do cocaine a lot faster than regular models?
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And here’s the ass shot, for the 10 percent of you interested in that sort of thing, but won’t cop to it. And also for the three percent of you who would fill the comments section with “ass pix plz thnx” comments.
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Another humanoid robot, not nearly as advanced as model-bot, but eight times as terrifying. Perhaps worried that their creation was an affront to everything their God created, the makers decided to put a wig on it to disguise it as Bon Jovi.
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Here’s BonJovibot again, as two technicians discuss their options for getting upskirt shots of it.
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Finally a robot with some classic 50s lines. This looks like it was made by General Electric, and can assist with household chores and dispensing Valium.
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This shot demonstrates that robots can be disguised as anything. These seals? Robots. The guy? Probably not a robot. But until I see him bleed human blood, he’s not getting into my home.
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A wall climbing robot, proving in the future we won’t be safe on the ceiling either. Also of note, Japan’s version of Vanna White, whom I’m guessing let the robot pick out an outfit for her.
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This thing could teabag a car. That’s actually pretty awesome.
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Two robots in this one (can you spot both? Look carefully!)

The wheelchair bot is actually pretty cool. It’d give wheelchair bound individuals a lot more personal freedom, and the ability to punch through walls or crush the larynxes of people who had wronged them in some way. Like robots, I’m imagining wheelchair-bound people to hold a lot of deep-seated resentment to the world, so I can see how they’d get along well.
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Look at that robot on the right. It looks like it’s being punished. Holy crap, have you ever seen a robot look so sullen before? Imagine an angst filled teenager with the physical strength of a garbage truck. Now imagine it not caving-in a daycare to get attention. I sure can’t.
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Despite the fact that I (A) consider myself pretty smart and (B) have been reading Japanese web sites all afternoon, I surprisingly still can’t read Japanese. So I have no idea what this sign says. But if this is anything other than a robot designed for practicing French kissing, I don’t want anyone to correct me.
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Oh shit! It’s right behind you!
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I guess this is how Japanese children are taught about sex now?
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This is a picture of a robotic manipulator, grasping a child around the waist. The child is either indicating something he’s just done in his pants, or how many more birthdays he’d like to live to see.
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This is Temsuk, the first robot capable of criticizing what’s on TV.
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Temsuk again, being given an honorary doctorate from a mid-range university.
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More ceremony. The guy on the right is just furious for some reason. It’s like he just lost a big promotion to Temsuk.
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Oh, holy balls. Has Japan made a two story robot in the shape of a titanium baby? The best available evidence (this picture) says that yes they have.
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The horrifying abomination runs on the power of childrens’ dolls. Is it too great a leap of the imagination to suggest it will soon run on babies? When consulted, my imagination stated flatly, “No.”
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Holy fuck.

If you’re looking for a reasonable explanation, or at least solace, you won’t find it on the creator’s website, where it explains:

This GIANT TORATAN doll is the ultimate child’s weapon, as it sings, dances, breathes fire, and follows only those orders given by children

Because if there’s anything I can imagine that’s more murderous and hate-filled than robots, it’s children.
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And that’s that. I invite everyone to share their strategies for surviving the upcoming recession/baby-robot holocaust in the comments section. Any submissions that impress me enough will get an invite to come hang out in my robot shelter and eat cases of fruit rolls-ups with me when The Day Comes.

see original at cracked.com

April 6th, 2009 by Towlie

So some fun stuff for Monday, Jokes funny pics and some great music.

So first up here’s a few jokes with quite a common punchline Enjoy I liked em.

AND THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED…

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”And that’s when the fight started….
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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.”Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?” And that’s when the fight started….
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’& And then the fight started…
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Carling for £12.99.Instead, she bought a tub of icecream for £6.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started….
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ And then the fight started…..
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.”And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?”Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’And then the fight started…
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’And then the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her a scale. And then the fight started…
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’And then the fight started…

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. “Honey? What’s wrong” I asked.
“Oh, George! Just look at me: I’m getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I’m just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!”
I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: “Your vision’s real good, honey. That’s something, isn’t it?”

And that’s when the fight started….

- – -
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive.
So I took her to a petrol station.
And that’s when the fight started….

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And that’s how the fight started…..

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy Crap! That must be my husband!”
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
The woman yelled back, “Yeah, well then, why were you running?”
And that, folks…………is how the fight started.

And now for some pics to reward you for all that reading

And now for one of the best videos of last year By Fatboy slim

THE BPA – “TOE JAM” AND DAVID BYRNE & DIZZEE RASCAL

Also as I am feeling quite nice today I am including a video of rather good band I watched the other day despite coming down with a particular ferocious case of man Flu !

So here without further ado I present…

March 27th, 2009 by Towlie

Ok so a slightly different post today less business orientated and more fun than usual all work and no play makes for a dull towel!
So first up is a great way to have fun and customise your facebook profile pic.Followed by some hot and horny photos!
For the full tutorial and resources see http://www.allfacebook.com/2009/02/facebook-profile-photo-hacks/

Hacking the Facebook Profile Photo

There isn’t a legal way to ‘hack’ Facebook, but there is a method to changing your profile photo to make your profile look subtly different and cooler. It isn’t obvious, but the placement of a profile photo allows you to lightly innovate on Facebook’s sacred profile layout.

How Does It Work?

When you create a profile photo from an existing album image, Facebook lets you crop the photo down to whatever dimensions you choose. When you visit your profile the selected photo is displayed scaled down to a maximum height and width allowed by Facebook.

The first thing you need to understand is how much space you have to play with. Facebook displays profile photos at a maximum of 200 pixels in width. If you go beyond this, Facebook resizes your profile photo down to 200 while maintaining the aspect ratio vertically. Facebook will display a photo in your profile that is up to 600 pixels in height. This means that Facebook will happily display any image as large as 200 x 600 without otherwise changing or resizing it.

Now that you know the maximum dimensions of your profile photo, the base trick is simple. Facebook is set up to display the top of an image 52 pixels north of the thin grey line. Normally, all profile photos are placed at this height above the line.

In order to achieve an unbroken line across your profile you need only create an image with a grey (#D8DFEA) 52 pixels below the top. In addition, you’ll need to paintbucket the area above the line to match the light blue (#EFF0F5) used in the profile header.

For more information about the colors used in Facebook’s style sheet, see this guide for Facebook application developers by Bill Konrad wrote a Facebook application about a year ago, read about the DMB Facebook application here.

Subbing this blank template allows you to achieve something Facebook normally does not allow: the option to not display a profile photo at all. A new Facebook account with no profile photo displays a box with a drawing of a mystery person with soft-serve icecream hair on it. Using a blank lined template allows you to add a little ‘negative’ space to your profile that is normally not possible.

Well now for something completly different I stumbled across this extremely funny cover of Katy Perrys hot and cold by Ukrainian band I am not entirely sure why I find it so funny though but see if you can keep a straight face!

Los Colorados, hot and cold reprise Katy Perry by nico-eteignez

So what else has been in the news ?

Well one of my favorite porn stars Bree Olson has been on alot of blogs due to a rather unfortunate incident on the Bubba the “Love Sponge” radio program on Monday.

Bree Olson took to her MySpace.com blog today to explain her side of the story.

From Xbiz

“Blogs lit up with video footage of a clearly irate Olson after she left the Sirius satellite radio show and demanded the tape that one of Bubba’s underlings was filming of her as she walked away on the street outside.

Here’s how the drama began.

Olson explains that two weeks prior to appearing on the shock jock’s radio program that she had agreed to give a blind fan of Bubba’s a hand job on the air. However, when Olson arrived, she smelled something fishy about the whole arrangement — namely that she was suspicious the listener named Pantera was not blind.

Olson’s suspicion unfolded after she and Pantera went to the green room to talk. Olson started quizzing the man about his blindness and after he couldn’t name his exact medical condition, Olson became emotional, recognizing that she had been duped.

“At this point I start to become upset,” Olson wrote. “They have me take pictures with this man and as I’m taking pictures I can barely hold back the tears in my eyes.

“I decide to go outside away from everyone because I do not want them to see me crying. I was so torn and confused about what was going on and I had an office full of people that didn’t have my back. I thought that if I went through with this hand job that they would surely throw out the ‘tricked the dumb porn girl card.’ The only thing that made sense to me then and still makes sense to me now of why they would do that to me is this: they trick me into thinking this man is blind, I give him a hand job and then they make fun of me the last half of the show of what a dumb whore I am.”

Olson decided she had been played for a fool and left the studio. At this point, one of Bubba’s cameramen chased her outside with a camera trying to provoke Olson while she was gathering herself.

“I just wanted to have a moment by myself and get the tears out of my system,” Olson said. “I wasn’t allowed that alone time though. The cameras kept on following me and watching every painful tear I shed. My sadness quickly turned to anger. In my head I am thinking, ‘What kind of sick fucks want to watch a 22 year old girl cry? I wasn’t bothering anyone. I wasn’t even talking, I just had tears rolling down my face.

“I grabbed the camera and held on to it insisting to have the tape that has 10 minutes of footage of me crying on it. I didn’t touch the cameraman; I just took hold of the camera and said to give me the tape.”

Despite Olson’s request for the footage, it was leaked onto the Internet, which prompted Olson’s blog to clear the air about what really happened.

Bree Olsen has it all going for her right now.

Soon after turning 18, this teen took control or her life and unleashed her hotness on the world by doing some modeling. She quickly caught the eye of the scene and she hasn’t looked back since.

Bree Olson is that kind of girl who can be anything you want her to be at any time. She has that cute innocent look that would drive you wild. She’s also the kind of girl who can put on something sexy and appear like a sophisticated young lady.

For more not so safe for work pics of Bree Olson click here

Find more hot videos and photos of the the super hot and sexy Bree Olson at the UK’s premier VOD site Strictly Broadband.

www.strictlybroadband.com

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